I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
