No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
