Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
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She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
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Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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