I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
