Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
