I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
