Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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