He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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