Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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