I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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