my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
