I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Shame is for Republicans.
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