saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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