You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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