Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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