I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
