turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
