The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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