My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
