oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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