My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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