Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
