The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Michael Bay diarrhea
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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