He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
