it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
