dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
