Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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