Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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