i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
