Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
