hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
