cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
