Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
