I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
