yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
