I wanna passion pit in your ass
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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