tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
