last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
