Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
