true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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