Pants 0. Shit 1.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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