fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
FUCK WHALES
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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