If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
