I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
