8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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