dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
