Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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