Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
