32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
