He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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