So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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