it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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