I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
