I wish I could punch you in the face.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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