new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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