Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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