I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
