She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Is Oprah even human
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
