oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
