Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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