The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
