I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
